Project Addiction

I have decided I have a serious problem - I am a Project Addict. I can't seem to just chill and enjoy - I am forever changing things and making them 'new'. Well - this lovely addiction of mine was fine when the boys were younger but now it has crossed over into our homeschool and it is causing problems! Wait until you see the New Classroom( i will post pics in the next day or so) I created for us in what was the living room - it is lovely and my hubby is so happy that school is not ALL OVER the kitchen table, counters and shelves - but did I 'do' school while I was rearranging all the furniture? NO!
Now - i must preface this by saying that I tend to criticize myself heavily due to a low self esteem so I am probably not as bad as i am surely about to lead you to believe!! But maybe I am and that is what the Lord is trying to get through to my hard headed self??
I have had the best time and spent many hours and some dollars we just didn't have creating all sorts of things for the workboxes and then decided not to use them. I spent HOURS poring over curriculum and trying to decide what we wanted to do this year. I even had a friend promise me she would make me stick it out for the whole year and not let me start looking around - I already am by the way! Shhhh! Don't tell! I have made schedules, routines, fun charts to check off, organized all the books on the book shelves but do we DO or use any of it? No! I have created this wonderful place for us to do school - we do prefer the couch but it is hard to do writing and such on the couch! Will it get used the way it should - probably not. Why do I do these PROJECTS but have so much trouble 'doing' school with my boys? I am really feeling like a failure right now that I can put so much time into this foolishness(knowing it is foolishness the whole time I am doing it) but not keep the tv off and stick to our school routine or schedule? I am really good about doing Bible - we have read the creation story so many times the boys have it memorized but we have barely gotten past the Tower of Babel. I don't think we have ever gotten thru a whole day of homeschool - the way I plan it or the curriculum we are using plans it! I love the stuff that our current curric has for us to do for science and some of the history stuff but I NEVER DO IT with them because we never get there!We have read creation so many times I am almost sick of it. We get started and never finish what we are supposed to do or get much done other than me reading to them. We get off the schedule in a matter of seconds and I don't know how to get back on (because nothing is written down anywhere that tells me what to do in this situation) so I ususally end up looking thru my schedules and curric and by then I have totally lost the boys. If they are playing happily I will think to myself that they are playing so well I should just let them! Where do you think i go - a project maybe? Then I get mad at them because they are interrupting what I am doing - what is that?? Hello - I only have this short time with them and God has blessed me with this incredible oppurtunity to teach and love them and I am blowing it!
Now - if I know what I am doing and I know this is not what I want to do why can't I just stop and do things differently? DUH! Praise the lord for a new chance every morning to redeem myself but the fact that I am failing over and over again and not redeeming myself is kicking my butt right now! Why can I feel so strongly about something in my heart and have such a passion and desire for it but not get to it when it is right in front of me? It is all there for me but I don't get it! What is wrong with me??
Sorry about all that but I feel better having put it out there and I truly feel the Lord puts these words into my head to share because I am NOT the only one out there who feels this way!
I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!!